A Cat's Guide to Understanding Your Hooman Servant

Fellow cat and ruler,

The thoughts of the hooman servants can often be a mystery to even the meowst perceptive of cats, which is why I, Sir Flooficus, have created the meowst comprehensible of guides to the hooman mind! Continue reading and be in awe of the strange habits of the common hooman servant!

First off, it is important to understand why the hoomans are so hard to understand. The answer is simple. As you’ve likely noticed, their ears are stiff, ungainly things, and they have no tails. (It’s a miracle they can balance at all!) Not only that, but no one has ever taught them the purrroper rules and manners of eye contact and body language. Without us and the purrrpose we give them, the poor beasts likely wouldn’t survive.

So how do they communicate? Unfortunately, primarily through those strange and grotesque sounds they make. While it may seem strange to do so, the easiest way to communicate with them is by making similar noises yourself. Meowing and chirping is not the meowst effective way to communicate with other cats, but it does wonders when reminding your servant it is time for your dinner.

You may also notice that your hooman will spend lots of time staring at you. Understandably, this can be uncomfortable, as it usually only makes sense to stare when you are suspicious or on alert. However, I encourage you to remain calm. This is a sign of their love. They live such dull, boring lives, and we, their masters, are all they really know. 

Similarly, baring their teeth is a sign of happiness, not fear or anger. As much as I try, I cannot give a reasonable explanation for this. Maybe it is a sign of trust, like when we show our stomachs or turn our heads away. Showing their teeth may be their way of saying, “See? I have nothing to hide.”

Still, such knowledge can only bring a cat so far in the quest for understanding their hooman. So much of our ‘language’ is dependent on our ears and tails. A tail raised high with a curled tip means hello, whereas a low, flicking one means annoyance. Flattened ears for fear or anger, and forward-facing ears for attention or contentment. And what of their whiskers?! They have none! They can’t droop their whiskers when they are relaxed or flatten them when they are expecting a fight. They are about as expressionable as a cardboard box, and only half as exciting.

So again, I must implore you to try and understand their strange sounds. I’ve found that when they

are loud, they are excited, and when they make softer, higher sounds, they are affectionate. If you’ve ever jumped onto a counter and heard them yelling, know that they are cheering for you. They are in awe of your capabilities, because (if you haven’t noticed) their bodies are incredibly useless. They can hardly jump and are amazingly inflexible. Because all cats are sooper-hooman, they cheer us on when we jump high into the air and weave between their glass statues with more ease than they could ever muster.

One thing we have in common with them is the use of our eyes. Like us, many of their emotions can be communicated through our eyes. They agree that squinting is often a sign of contentment when not in bright light, and side-eyeing is suspicious or aggressive. They do not show thanks by slowly blinking like we do, and of course, there’s still the matter of their staring, but otherwise, you can find comfort in the knowledge that what it seems like they’re saying is likely what they are saying.

It can be hard to understand the hoomans, but it is vital to try. With this knowledge, may you bend their will to your command and continue to rule their poor, lost souls in the purrrsuit of snuggles, toys, and of course, food.

Purrr,

Sir Flooficus